Oh, herro. I’m back. Sorry about the what, 7 month? timeout I took.
Today let’s talk about being useful in a desert-island situation. I recently got a call out of the blue from Amanda. It went something like this:
Tovia: Hello?
Amanda: Hello, whorebag. (Editor’s note: Ah, pet names. Aren’t they adorable? Enjoy this insight into a functional, supportive friendship.) I’ve been talking to Dustin, and we just wanted to call and let you know that if we’re ever stranded on a desert island, you’re going to be eaten first.
Tovia: Um, pardon? Also, rude. Why?
Amanda: Well, it’s simple. Both Dustin and I have discernible survival skills, whereas you do nothing useful whatsoever. In fact, you’d probably be a liability because your neon/sparkletown wardrobe would scare off any potential prey.
That was essentially the end of the conversation, except of course for a few indignant noises on my part.
I would really love to say that that was the end of it, but my uselessness on our fictitious desert island home KEEPS COMING UP. Examples:
1. I sent Amanda a picture of this skirt to see if I should buy it (still haven’t decided, by the way): 
What did Amanda say?
“Does it come in hot pink? Either way, you should probably buy it, since that’s basically what I picture you wearing on the island. Plus it will make you easier to find, when it’s time to kill and eat you.”
You can understand why I’ve yet to commit to purchasing the skirt.
2. We built a fort in Dustin’s flat. AND IT IS AWESOME. And when I say “we” built a fort, I mean Dustin and Amanda are entirely responsible for its structural integrity. I strung lights all over it and made foil stars to hang from the lights (which was GENIUS, if you ask me). However, according to Amanda, my interior decorating skills won’t save me on this stupid island, since TECHNICALLY electricity-dependent decor won’t contribute to our survival and/or rescue. Apparently Amanda fails to recognise the positive contribution ambient lighting makes to overall quality of life.
It boils down to this:
I’ll probably never get on a plane or a boat with Amanda and Dustin, just in case.
And for those of you who don’t have access to my facebook account, here is a picture of my AWESOME fort decorating:
Oh ok Lord of the Flies, who gave Dustin and Amanda the conch?! Why are we eating anyone at all is my question. I think I’d rather die of hunger under a well decorated gazebo of jungle flowers and seashells than survive in a world where I’ve had to ingest human organs.
To be fair though, they might have a point; maybe they could let you decorate and THEN eat you. But wait psyche! thats still gross. I guess what I’m trying to say is, “Stick with me kid, I won’t eat you.”
I like everything about this comment, starting with the fact that you identified yourself as Coleifer, and ending with your promise not to nom me if we’re ever stuck on a desert island. Message received and appreciated, sir. Also: I miss you.